Tuesday, March 22, 2011

In Memory of a Pixie named Larissa

Collected Poems                         To One Who Might Have Borne a Message

                         Had I known that you were going
                         I would have given you messages for her,
                         Now two years dead,
                         Whom I shall always love.

                         As it is, should she entreat you how it goes with me,
                         You must reply: as well as with most, you fancy;
                         That I love easily, and pass the time.

                          And she will not know how all day long between
                          My life and me her shadow intervenes,
                          A thin young girl,
                          Wearing a white skirt and a purple sweater
                           And a narrow pale blue ribbon about her hair.

                          I used to say to her, "I love you
                          Because your face is such a pretty color,
                          No other reason."

                          But it was not true.

                          Oh, had I only known that you were going,
                          I could have given you messages for her!

                                                                  Edna St. Vincent Millay

                          Dedicated to my daughter Larissa and  doctor who may have borne a
                          message...   Ten years missing her as of today.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Let Go- Encaustic Collage Painting

      Awhile ago I promised to add my encaustic collage painting entitled, "Let Go."   It was therapeutic for me, but I have not yet been able to "leg go" completely.  I will be working on letting go for some time, I think!   I actually made two of these and have them both displayed at home.  I should mention the substrate (what it is painted on) is Ampersand clayboard and the size is 8" x 8".

      Encaustic paint is made with beeswax and a resin and will last forever if cared for properly.  The first wording on the piece is in wire letters ("Let Go"), and the wording on the little boy says: "fear, doubt, guilt, control."  The moon and trees are from a photo I took of our tree when the moon was especially pretty.

      By the way, the moon is supposed to be the largest ever at SUNSET TODAY!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

To Look Inside Yourself

                               To look inside yourself,
                             Stepping in cautiously,
                          And finding fewer problems
                          And more clarity than you thought:
                                    That is the beginning.

                          To look inside yourself,
                              Sweeping the cobwebs away,
                          Terrified of the spiders you'd find,
                          Finding none, and finding that the cobwebs
                          Weren't real-
                                     That is the beginning of freedom from fear.

                           To look inside yourself and find those you admire, trust
                                             and love,
                                      Are your special gurus,
                                      And you had them all along -
                                      That is the beginning of appreciation.

                             To look inside yourself
                             And find you are now doing
                             Many of the things you wanted to do before you die,
                             And you are changing what needs to be changed-

                               That is the beginning of self-knowledge.

                             To look inside yourself,
                             And find that you are not all that bad
                             And finally believing God will forgive your faults,
                                 If you can forgive yourself,
                             That is the beginning of self-love:

                                     AND THAT REALLY IS THE BEGINNING...


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Why is it so very difficult to let go?

                                                                      Let Go

                                                  To 'let go'  does not mean to stop caring;
                                                   it means I can't do it for someone else.

                                                       To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
                                                        it is the realisation that
                                                        I must not control another.

                                                   To 'let go' is not to fix,
                                                        but to be supportive.

                                                    To 'let go' is not to be in the middle
                                                          arranging all the outcomes,
                                                     but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

                                                     To 'let go' is not to be protective,
                                                          it is to permit another to face reality.

                                                      To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
                                                           but to grow and live for the future.

                                                       To 'let go' is to fear less
                                                            and live more.

                                                        Author Unknown                                           

Monday, March 7, 2011

Facing fears starts deep within

My  quest for letting go of fear will be an ongoing one, however, this week's walks have helped me "let go" of some of it, at least for now.  It is interesting how a 2 mile walk can change one's perspective.  You notice little details that you would not were you driving.  Thoughts alternate between a zen-like state and one with more clarity.  Small changes in the road, drama of animals and birds, and the plight we all have just to stay alive.  And another thing- no matter how little one will accomplish on any particular day, if you have been alone on that walk, you have done something really good for yourself.

It has been since January 2011 that I have been walking this way.  Walking at work didn't count (one of the worst injustices of all time).  And now, this week, having focused on letting go of fear, my fears of a lifetime have starting surfacing in dreams.  It was not a bad dream, just a dream that showed the fears in their proper context of what they really are. In the dream I worked through each scenario  from the past and was comforting others in the way that I had  needed to be comforted.  It was interesting...I feel lighter today, and not from walking. 

When I can get a picture of the encaustic painting I did called "Let Go" I will post it.  Letting go has to be the most difficult thing in life.  It is our nature to hang on and the thought of letting go terrifies - how can we control it if we have let it go, out of our reach?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Update on Raven feathers and rebar..

The raven feathers, having been carefully placed in a ziplock bag and put on a table on the porch with a fairly heavy candle holder on it, went missing during the night.  It is a matter of speculation as to whether a predator took them (i.e. hawk, bobcat, coyote,etc.) OR if raven brethren came to retrieve the remains after watching me gather them.  I am sure I will be watching the ground for that bag of feathers for the rest of my life.  So much for wearing a raven feather in my hat this summer!  Life is strange and mysterious out here in the wilderness.  I will update later ...

Update on the rebar tire threat:  The blue rebar is still there, in the middle of the road, clearly visible to those on foot.  I posted a sign about it on the corner where the road association has a bulletin board.  We shall see if anyone pulls it out or cuts it off..I signed the notice "Fireflygirl777" so we shall see if anyone is curious enough to do a search and possibly even find this blog. (doubtful)..

Friday, March 4, 2011

Ravens,rebar and fear..

As I try to do what I say I will do, I went out yesterday to paint the rebar that is sticking out of the road . First, however, I found a dead raven, mostly eaten, on the property.  I imagined the fear he must have had as he was being attacked.   These creatures are strong pirates of the wilderness, have sharp minds and sharp claws.  They are a part of the heritage here and are the largest songbird in North America.  They are not a dark spirit guide, but an intelligent listener, according to American Indian legend.  You are to expect frequent changes if a raven perches on your shoulder.  I gathered some of the silky feathers and continued on to paint the rebar.

Almost a mile down the road I encountered the road hazard I wrote of yesterday.  It was still there, reaching from beneath the dirt into the air to snag any unsuspecting tire or shoe.  Quickly I took out my blue spray paint, painted it and a circle around it to alert others to the danger.  I am unsure why I felt I had to paint it so quickly or so secretly when I was only trying to help.  Just that old fear of criticism, I suspect. 

I returned home and thought again about fear- I felt empathy for the raven's final fear and from the rebar that doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING  to solve a problem can relieve fear and/or anxiety.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Release fear..release a firefly ...

Yesterday on my two mile walk I was focused on releasing fear.  Since fear is captive and fireflies are captive, at least in the jar, I focused on that release. 

I have always been caring for people ever since I was a child.  Life gave me still more to care for, both professionally and personally.  I always did the best I could, eventhough there were and are severe challenges.  Fear of not doing enough for everyone in my life has taken up a larger part of my thought process that I have admitted.  The person I have NOT taken the best care of is me.  I hope that is about to change.

Caring for others- I didn't stop there!  No!  While I walk I carefully watch the dirt road to see if there are any sharp metal objects that could cause a flat tire.  Invariably I find several a day and cast them to the side of the road to save my fellow travellers.  Yesterday I found a piece of rebar that is embedded in the middle of the road with about two inches sticking out at an angle.  This worries me.  So I have a plan.  I am going to paint the rebar red and hope someone with a crowbar will stop and take it out of the road.  My walking stick did not work for this job.

When I retuned home I felt less fearful as I had made a plan.  Making a plan, even a small plan, will help release the firefly of fear.  Tomorrow I hope to pose a picture of the painted rebar.  Or not.  Depending...Either way, it is a start.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Ancient Saying..

"She who sees deeply into
       one thing sees all.

She who looks long into all things,
       sees nothing.

--Ancient Vedic teaching circa 4000 BCE

Now that I got my banner up I expect  and hope for a few followers.    I will try to keep looking into one thing deeply, then.